This year, I realised I actually wrote quite a number of posts. From January until now - with a few skips here and there. I missed May, June, and September completely. Honestly, I can’t even remember what happened during those months. Maybe work swallowed me whole, or maybe life just moved too fast to keep track.
And now it’s December, the final month before we step into 2026. Time really does fly. I still can’t believe I made it through the rollercoaster of emotions this year brought. My hormones definitely had their own storyline too. And yes, I survived it all… single. I don’t even want to talk about finding a partner anymore - not right now. I’m definitely not in my mating season or phase, and surprisingly, I’m completely okay with that. Hahaha.
This year felt especially challenging. Each year has its own struggles, but 2024 (and parts of 2025) pushed me harder because the battle wasn’t with life… it was with myself. People always say “your worst enemy is your own self,” and I felt that deeply. I’ve faced inner battles before, but this time something shifted - I want to improve. I’m interested in more things, curious about my career direction, questioning my worth, my skills, the life I’m building. I’m becoming more aware of who I am and who I’m not.
But the more I crave change, the more I seem to wrestle with procrastination. It feels like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brakes. Wanting growth but stuck in habits that don’t match the life I imagine.
Someone once told me that life “starts at 32.” That’s when adulthood peaks. And everything before 32 is supposed to be the time to build good habits, discipline, and a lifestyle that will shape the rest of your life. Hearing that honestly scares me. I promised myself I’d grow spiritually and personally, but some habits cling like glue - sleeping late, getting lost in games, wasting time, not improving in the ways I know I should.
When I think about myself five years from now… the image is blurry. I can’t even picture her clearly. And that scares me too, because it shows how uncertain I feel at this point in my life. I admire people who know exactly what they want - who they want to be, where they’re heading, what purpose they’re living for. Meanwhile, I’m still figuring out the basics: what do I even want?
My simple wish has always been to contribute something meaningful to my family and society. But beyond that? No big plan. No long-term goal. And I think that’s the root of my struggle - trying to grow without a clear direction.
I know there are people out there who feel the same, but maybe they figured things out earlier because life gave them reasons - children, responsibilities, dreams to chase. I don’t have that push. I don’t have my own family. And I don’t want to force myself to live “for my family” either, because appreciation isn’t guaranteed, and doing things only for others doesn’t always bring happiness. And as for living for myself… I’m still trying to understand what that even means.
But here’s what I’m learning:
I may not have everything figured out. I may not have a roadmap, a timeline, or a list of goals. But I’m still here, trying. And maybe that’s enough for where I am right now. I’ll keep improving where I can, keep exploring what feels right, and keep learning more about myself. My future might be blurry, but I’m still moving - even if it’s slow.
