Everything and Nothing All at Once

Since this is only my second post of the year, I thought I’d do a quick recap of how things have been going up until now.

Work & Job Applications I’m still working at the same company, though I’ve started exploring other opportunities. I sent out a few applications to other companies, but haven't received any feedback yet. Remember that SPEE test I took? Unfortunately, I failed that one. On top of that, I totally missed the SPEE exam for Assistant Property Manager because I wasn't feeling well that day and completely forgot about it. What luck, right?

On a brighter note, I applied for a few government positions and unexpectedly got called for interviews! Alhamdulillah, I attended both and am currently waiting for the results. Fingers crossed!

Fitness & Weight Journey I managed to keep up with my weight loss journey during Ramadhan and lost around 3 kg (yay!). But as of recently... I gained those 3 kg right back, lol.

Quran & Learning Journey After 3 long years in Iqra through my online class, I finally made it to the Al-Quran! Plus, I was actually able to read it during Ramadhan—yay again!

I also registered for a physical kelas mengaji, starting back with Iqra. Since the class happens to be on the same level as my office, I decided to take the opportunity to relearn everything. Physical classes feel so much better than online ones because the teacher can hear my pronunciation more accurately and correct how I sound in real-time.

As for Mandarin, I signed up for an online class (again) but haven't attended much. I think I only made it to two classes so far, though I did learn how to write Pinyin! I definitely need to catch up, as I’ve missed quite a lot.

Birthday Reflections When my birthday came around, I didn't get myself a cake like I usually do. Even though I was pretty excited leading up to it—and even imagined taking a cute picture with my new age to post on IG—I just didn't feel like celebrating when the day arrived. So now, here we are in July.

The Year That Challenged Me More Than I Expected

This year, I realised I actually wrote quite a number of posts. From January until now - with a few skips here and there. I missed May, June, and September completely. Honestly, I can’t even remember what happened during those months. Maybe work swallowed me whole, or maybe life just moved too fast to keep track.

And now it’s December, the final month before we step into 2026. Time really does fly. I still can’t believe I made it through the rollercoaster of emotions this year brought. My hormones definitely had their own storyline too. And yes, I survived it all… single. I don’t even want to talk about finding a partner anymore - not right now. I’m definitely not in my mating season or phase, and surprisingly, I’m completely okay with that. Hahaha.

This year felt especially challenging. Each year has its own struggles, but 2024 (and parts of 2025) pushed me harder because the battle wasn’t with life… it was with myself. People always say “your worst enemy is your own self,” and I felt that deeply. I’ve faced inner battles before, but this time something shifted - I want to improve. I’m interested in more things, curious about my career direction, questioning my worth, my skills, the life I’m building. I’m becoming more aware of who I am and who I’m not.

But the more I crave change, the more I seem to wrestle with procrastination. It feels like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brakes. Wanting growth but stuck in habits that don’t match the life I imagine.

Someone once told me that life “starts at 32.” That’s when adulthood peaks. And everything before 32 is supposed to be the time to build good habits, discipline, and a lifestyle that will shape the rest of your life. Hearing that honestly scares me. I promised myself I’d grow spiritually and personally, but some habits cling like glue - sleeping late, getting lost in games, wasting time, not improving in the ways I know I should.

When I think about myself five years from now… the image is blurry. I can’t even picture her clearly. And that scares me too, because it shows how uncertain I feel at this point in my life. I admire people who know exactly what they want - who they want to be, where they’re heading, what purpose they’re living for. Meanwhile, I’m still figuring out the basics: what do I even want?

My simple wish has always been to contribute something meaningful to my family and society. But beyond that? No big plan. No long-term goal. And I think that’s the root of my struggle - trying to grow without a clear direction.

I know there are people out there who feel the same, but maybe they figured things out earlier because life gave them reasons - children, responsibilities, dreams to chase. I don’t have that push. I don’t have my own family. And I don’t want to force myself to live “for my family” either, because appreciation isn’t guaranteed, and doing things only for others doesn’t always bring happiness. And as for living for myself… I’m still trying to understand what that even means.

But here’s what I’m learning:

I may not have everything figured out. I may not have a roadmap, a timeline, or a list of goals. But I’m still here, trying. And maybe that’s enough for where I am right now. I’ll keep improving where I can, keep exploring what feels right, and keep learning more about myself. My future might be blurry, but I’m still moving - even if it’s slow.

PSEE Exam: My Honest Experience

Hey readers! 

Recently, I received an email from SPA9 about the online exam – Penilaian Memasuki Perkhidmatan Awam (PSEE) – Ujian Penilaian Psikometrik for the position of PEMBANTU TADBIR (PERKERANIAN/OPERASI) GRED N1 (SEMENANJUNG) under the Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam and Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia. And today was the day of the exam!

Honestly, this isn’t my first time taking the PSEE. Previously, I had the chance to sit for exams for KASTAM and PENOLONG PEGAWAI PEMBANGUNAN MASYARAKAT GRED. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to move to the next stage because my score didn’t meet the expected benchmark for those positions.

So when I got another chance to take the PSEE, I decided to look for tips to improve my approach. Some people said it’s important to be consistent, honest, and fast when answering. Some said to be yourself, and some also shared tips by saying you need to be fake for some certain things when answering, but the key is consistency.

That’s exactly what I did last time - be myself, honest, and fast - but I still didn’t pass, which left me a bit confused, especially the consistency part.

This time, I knew I needed a different approach. So I tried asking ChatGPT for help, and it gave me a mock exam. I practiced repeatedly, focusing on the areas where I needed to be more consistent. Slowly, I started to understand the patterns and the types of questions. Even my mock scores were quite high, which gave me a bit of confidence heading into the real exam.

When the exam started… boom! My first thought: “What the hell?” 

The questions were nothing like the mock. Instead of “Strongly Agree – Strongly Disagree,” it was “This is very me – This is not very me," which is still understandable to find the keyword. But some of the question were tricky like this:

“Saya merasa seronok melihat galeri” “Saya merasakan diri saya sebagai popular” “Saya akan bermeditasi atau berdoa”

Tricky, right? There’s no right or wrong answer - it’s all about your social tendencies and lifestyle. Suddenly, all my mock prep felt a bit… scammed. 😅

Nevertheless, I did my best to answer every question carefully. I hope my answers fit the expectations for this category. Since I’ve failed before, I’m not putting my hopes too high - but if I get to the next stage, Alhamdulilah. If not, I’m still grateful for the opportunity.

I’ll update again once I receive the results!