The Game is Easy, The Office Isn't

This year, I haven't posted anything yet.

To be honest, I do have one draft sitting in my folder. But reading it back today, I sound... excited. And re-reading it now, I’m not even sure if I actually was excited, or if I just forced myself to sound that way for the sake of writing a blog post. I don't know anymore.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how much I talk about work. But the work itself isn't entirely the problem - it’s more about how I’m dealing with myself just to make things work. If that makes any sense.

Somehow, this year just feels tough. The office dynamic has shifted lately, and to be honest, my boss is a pretty chill guy. But I really don't like how he makes me feel when he questions my work. It doesn't matter if I did something wrong or right - the questions keep coming, "why" after "why," without him really wanting to understand the reason behind it. Every time I answer, I feel like it just backfires and leads to more questions. I can't handle it, and it's not like I can blame anyone else either. At times like this, it feels completely alone. Like a solo battlefield.

To be fair, I know I'm not exactly the perfect employee. I know my cons. I delay, I come in late, I miss bookings, I miss tours... there are times when I don't even know what the fuck is going on.

I actually tried checking Gemini about my issues, and it told me I was facing "burnout." I just laughed. Compared to other companies, my workload is really nothing much. It's just updating existing bookings, following up, preparing invoices, and making sure the guides, transport, and vendors are ready for the tours. It's nothing much. But somehow, I feel broken between all of it anyway.

Lately, I've just been playing games endlessly. Even my sweet three-year-old niece noticed and said to me, "Cikwa asyik main game je." It broke my heart to hear that from a child, because it just showed me how terribly I'm trying to cope with everything making a mess in my head.

But I love playing because, in that world, I have control. I can see exactly how things are going. I earn and lose stars based on my own merits and my teammates. I can actually see myself being a capable player. I know what my hero can do, and even when my teammates doubt me, proving them wrong feels like an unlocked achievement. In that world, I am actually achieving something - even if reality tells me I'm just wasting time that could be spent on a better, more beneficial future.

I don't know, man. At this point, I'm just writing whatever crosses my mind. Deep down, there's this heavy burden of emotion that I don't even know how to name. It just feels stuck on my shoulders, and because I can't really express it or let it all out, I'm left feeling everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. I don't even know what it is.

I wonder if I cry, does it help?

Mid-Year Check-In: Where I’m At Right Now

Since this is only my second post of the year, I thought I’d do a quick recap of how things have been going up until now.

Work & Job Applications I’m still working at the same company, though I’ve started exploring other opportunities. I sent out a few applications to other companies, but haven't received any feedback yet. Remember that SPEE test I took? Unfortunately, I failed that one. On top of that, I totally missed the SPEE exam for Assistant Property Manager because I wasn't feeling well that day and completely forgot about it. What luck, right?

On a brighter note, I applied for a few government positions and unexpectedly got called for interviews! Alhamdulillah, I attended both and am currently waiting for the results. Fingers crossed!

Fitness & Weight Journey I managed to keep up with my weight loss journey during Ramadhan and lost around 3 kg (yay!). But as of recently... I gained those 3 kg right back, lol.

Quran & Learning Journey After 3 long years in Iqra through my online class, I finally made it to the Al-Quran! Plus, I was actually able to read it during Ramadhan—yay again!

I also registered for a physical kelas mengaji, starting back with Iqra. Since the class happens to be on the same level as my office, I decided to take the opportunity to relearn everything. Physical classes feel so much better than online ones because the teacher can hear my pronunciation more accurately and correct how I sound in real-time.

As for Mandarin, I signed up for an online class (again) but haven't attended much. I think I only made it to two classes so far, though I did learn how to write Pinyin! I definitely need to catch up, as I’ve missed quite a lot.

Birthday Reflections When my birthday came around, I didn't get myself a cake like I usually do. Even though I was pretty excited leading up to it—and even imagined taking a cute picture with my new age to post on IG—I just didn't feel like celebrating when the day arrived. So now, here we are in July.

The Year That Challenged Me More Than I Expected

This year, I realised I actually wrote quite a number of posts. From January until now - with a few skips here and there. I missed May, June, and September completely. Honestly, I can’t even remember what happened during those months. Maybe work swallowed me whole, or maybe life just moved too fast to keep track.

And now it’s December, the final month before we step into 2026. Time really does fly. I still can’t believe I made it through the rollercoaster of emotions this year brought. My hormones definitely had their own storyline too. And yes, I survived it all… single. I don’t even want to talk about finding a partner anymore - not right now. I’m definitely not in my mating season or phase, and surprisingly, I’m completely okay with that. Hahaha.

This year felt especially challenging. Each year has its own struggles, but 2024 (and parts of 2025) pushed me harder because the battle wasn’t with life… it was with myself. People always say “your worst enemy is your own self,” and I felt that deeply. I’ve faced inner battles before, but this time something shifted - I want to improve. I’m interested in more things, curious about my career direction, questioning my worth, my skills, the life I’m building. I’m becoming more aware of who I am and who I’m not.

But the more I crave change, the more I seem to wrestle with procrastination. It feels like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brakes. Wanting growth but stuck in habits that don’t match the life I imagine.

Someone once told me that life “starts at 32.” That’s when adulthood peaks. And everything before 32 is supposed to be the time to build good habits, discipline, and a lifestyle that will shape the rest of your life. Hearing that honestly scares me. I promised myself I’d grow spiritually and personally, but some habits cling like glue - sleeping late, getting lost in games, wasting time, not improving in the ways I know I should.

When I think about myself five years from now… the image is blurry. I can’t even picture her clearly. And that scares me too, because it shows how uncertain I feel at this point in my life. I admire people who know exactly what they want - who they want to be, where they’re heading, what purpose they’re living for. Meanwhile, I’m still figuring out the basics: what do I even want?

My simple wish has always been to contribute something meaningful to my family and society. But beyond that? No big plan. No long-term goal. And I think that’s the root of my struggle - trying to grow without a clear direction.

I know there are people out there who feel the same, but maybe they figured things out earlier because life gave them reasons - children, responsibilities, dreams to chase. I don’t have that push. I don’t have my own family. And I don’t want to force myself to live “for my family” either, because appreciation isn’t guaranteed, and doing things only for others doesn’t always bring happiness. And as for living for myself… I’m still trying to understand what that even means.

But here’s what I’m learning:

I may not have everything figured out. I may not have a roadmap, a timeline, or a list of goals. But I’m still here, trying. And maybe that’s enough for where I am right now. I’ll keep improving where I can, keep exploring what feels right, and keep learning more about myself. My future might be blurry, but I’m still moving - even if it’s slow.