When Being Included Still Feels Like Being Left Out

The other day, I attended my high school friend's wedding. To be honest, I wasn't really invited at first, lol. But I saw her story on Instagram about getting married, so I messaged her to congratulate her and wish her well. I mean, who doesn't feel happy for a friend, right? While we were talking, she sent over an invitation and asked if I could invite the other girls from our group because she had lost their contact info. I forwarded the invitation to our group chat, but in the end, I was the only one who went.

I went alone, and while I was sitting there eating my food, a familiar face approached me. It was one of my old classmates. She said hello and we started talking. She mentioned she had seen me earlier but wasn't sure it was me until she came closer. Apparently, a few other friends from our class and other classes were there too. They immediately came over to my table to chat. We had a mini-reunion and shared quick updates on what we’ve been up to. It was nice seeing them again since it’s been ages -the last time was probably at a school reunion or a friend's wedding after school, which was like 9 or 10 years ago. I could barely remember how long it had been.

I didn't talk much - it was mostly a quick Q&A session about jobs, kids, and general life updates. But while we were catching up, I couldn't help feeling out of place. It felt like there was a huge wall between us, and their energy felt more like a polite "business approach" than genuine connection. I honestly would have preferred a quick, casual hello. Instead, because I was sitting alone, they treated me like a charity project they needed to take care of. Joining their table only made me feel more left out as they talked about their WhatsApp group and inside jokes - sitting there stiffly listening to them made me feel far lonelier than when I was actually by myself.

But on the brighter side, I could tell there was one person who was genuinely happy to see me, and naturally, I felt much more comfortable talking to her than the others.

Afterward, we left the wedding after taking a group photo with the bride and groom. Honestly, the whole situation after we meet up was just plain awkward. No hard feelings towards them - they were trying to be polite, and I was just chilling on my own. It is what it is, but at least I walked away with one good catch-up and survived the group photo for memories!

The Game is Easy, The Office Isn't

This year, I haven't posted anything yet.

To be honest, I do have one draft sitting in my folder. But reading it back today, I sound... excited. And re-reading it now, I’m not even sure if I actually was excited, or if I just forced myself to sound that way for the sake of writing a blog post. I don't know anymore.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how much I talk about work. But the work itself isn't entirely the problem - it’s more about how I’m dealing with myself just to make things work. If that makes any sense.

Somehow, this year just feels tough. The office dynamic has shifted lately, and to be honest, my boss is a pretty chill guy. But I really don't like how he makes me feel when he questions my work. It doesn't matter if I did something wrong or right - the questions keep coming, "why" after "why," without him really wanting to understand the reason behind it. Every time I answer, I feel like it just backfires and leads to more questions. I can't handle it, and it's not like I can blame anyone else either. At times like this, it feels completely alone. Like a solo battlefield.

To be fair, I know I'm not exactly the perfect employee. I know my cons. I delay, I come in late, I miss bookings, I miss tours... there are times when I don't even know what the fuck is going on.

I actually tried checking Gemini about my issues, and it told me I was facing "burnout." I just laughed. Compared to other companies, my workload is really nothing much. It's just updating existing bookings, following up, preparing invoices, and making sure the guides, transport, and vendors are ready for the tours. It's nothing much. But somehow, I feel broken between all of it anyway.

Lately, I've just been playing games endlessly. Even my sweet three-year-old niece noticed and said to me, "Cikwa asyik main game je." It broke my heart to hear that from a child, because it just showed me how terribly I'm trying to cope with everything making a mess in my head.

But I love playing because, in that world, I have control. I can see exactly how things are going. I earn and lose stars based on my own merits and my teammates. I can actually see myself being a capable player. I know what my hero can do, and even when my teammates doubt me, proving them wrong feels like an unlocked achievement. In that world, I am actually achieving something - even if reality tells me I'm just wasting time that could be spent on a better, more beneficial future.

I don't know, man. At this point, I'm just writing whatever crosses my mind. Deep down, there's this heavy burden of emotion that I don't even know how to name. It just feels stuck on my shoulders, and because I can't really express it or let it all out, I'm left feeling everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. I don't even know what it is.

I wonder if I cry, does it help?

Mid-Year Check-In: Where I’m At Right Now

Since this is only my second post of the year, I thought I’d do a quick recap of how things have been going up until now.

Work & Job Applications I’m still working at the same company, though I’ve started exploring other opportunities. I sent out a few applications to other companies, but haven't received any feedback yet. Remember that SPEE test I took? Unfortunately, I failed that one. On top of that, I totally missed the SPEE exam for Assistant Property Manager because I wasn't feeling well that day and completely forgot about it. What luck, right?

On a brighter note, I applied for a few government positions and unexpectedly got called for interviews! Alhamdulillah, I attended both and am currently waiting for the results. Fingers crossed!

Fitness & Weight Journey I managed to keep up with my weight loss journey during Ramadhan and lost around 3 kg (yay!). But as of recently... I gained those 3 kg right back, lol.

Quran & Learning Journey After 3 long years in Iqra through my online class, I finally made it to the Al-Quran! Plus, I was actually able to read it during Ramadhan—yay again!

I also registered for a physical kelas mengaji, starting back with Iqra. Since the class happens to be on the same level as my office, I decided to take the opportunity to relearn everything. Physical classes feel so much better than online ones because the teacher can hear my pronunciation more accurately and correct how I sound in real-time.

As for Mandarin, I signed up for an online class (again) but haven't attended much. I think I only made it to two classes so far, though I did learn how to write Pinyin! I definitely need to catch up, as I’ve missed quite a lot.

Birthday Reflections When my birthday came around, I didn't get myself a cake like I usually do. Even though I was pretty excited leading up to it—and even imagined taking a cute picture with my new age to post on IG—I just didn't feel like celebrating when the day arrived. So now, here we are in July.