Post-Vacation Blues (Again)

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything here. I’m doing okay, more or less.

I actually wanted to write because my mind is buzzing with so many thoughts lately. But before I started, I went back and reread my last post—and it made me laugh a little. Why? Because I’m dealing with the exact same thing, all over again.

Same thoughts.
Same feeling.
Same confusion.

I just got back from a short vacation in Sabah with my family. Four days, three nights. The trip was… nice, I guess? But to be honest, I’m not even sure how I really feel about it. Did I enjoy it? Was it peaceful? Did I have fun? I genuinely don’t know.

What I do know is that I didn’t come back feeling refreshed. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Since coming back, I’ve felt demotivated and strangely empty. My mind keeps reminding me of all the things I should be doing, but my body refuses to cooperate. I can barely stay on my feet for five minutes before I end up lying down again—either gaming or scrolling endlessly on my phone while my to-do list plays on repeat in my head.

I pray to Allah, asking for His strength.
I beg Him: Please don’t let me fall so far that this feeling consumes me.

"Hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakil."
(Cukuplah Allah bagi kami, dan Dia sebaik-baik tempat berserah.)
(Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best disposer of affairs.)

I cried while reading that verse. Not loudly, not desperately—but quietly, just to confide in Him. Just to let it out. A silent hope that I will get better.

It’s frustrating. I don’t understand myself.
Am I the problem? Or is it something deeper—hormonal, emotional, mental?

Whatever it is, it’s heavy. And it’s dragging down my productivity in ways I hate.
But right now, this is where I’m at—and I guess that’s all I can really say.

I hope that I’m getting better at handling this emotion, and handling myself.

Just One of Those Weeks

How was your Raya? I hope everything went well on your side.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my rhythm at work. There are so many pending emails waiting for replies, I haven’t touched my booking summary in ages, and my to-do list just keeps growing. Deep down, I know what needs to be done — but for some reason, I keep delaying everything. I’ve been procrastinating a lot, and honestly, I don’t know why.

It’s frustrating. I want to be productive. I want to get things done. But somehow, I end up doing nothing, and the pile just gets bigger. It’s this strange mix of being mentally overloaded and stuck at the same time.

Then I started noticing something deeper: this isn’t just about being tired or lazy. It tends to happen when I’m faced with something unfamiliar — a new system, a different kind of enquiry, or a problem I don’t feel confident handling. I try to figure it out, but when it feels too overwhelming, I push it aside. At first, it’s just postponing. But soon, I’m avoiding it completely.

Once that starts, it snowballs. I end up focusing on smaller, easier tasks — anything to avoid the real thing I should be doing. I know I’m not fooling anyone, especially not myself. It lingers in my mind constantly, weighing me down with guilt and restlessness until I finally face it.

It’s not a good cycle to be in. And even though I can see it happening, it still feels hard to break.

The strange thing is, once I actually start the task, it usually isn’t as hard as I feared. The real struggle isn’t the work itself — it’s the mental loop I fall into. Overthinking. Perfectionism. The fear of doing it wrong. And maybe that’s what’s been weighing me down all along: not the workload, but the pressure I put on myself to handle everything perfectly.

I think this has also been affecting my daily habits. Almost every night, I find myself still awake at 4 or 5AM. I used to fall asleep easily in the evening, but now I stay up the whole night without even needing a nap. It feels unnatural — like I’m running on a completely off-track internal clock. Part of me worries that this pattern will catch up with me one day. The thought of it is scary. And yet, here I am… still wide awake.

This post isn’t about having the answers — it’s just me being honest about the messiness of trying to get back on track.

Not Ready, but Willing to Trust

I think I need to admit something to myself.

The reason I keep holding back from marriage—even though deep down, I do want it—is because I don’t feel mentally ready to build a family of my own.

I overthink a lot. I care too much, sometimes without realizing it. And maybe, in my own way, that’s how I protect myself. Over time, I think I’ve built this invisible wall around me. I’ve told myself it's for safety, but maybe it’s also been holding me back from something I actually long for.

People have told me that you never really know when you're ready. Not everyone enters marriage feeling fully prepared. Some people just go forward despite their fears, their imperfections, and their worries. And they still make it through.

I believe that’s because Allah gives them strength. He opens that path for them because He knows they can grow through it—even if they don’t feel strong enough at the start.

And maybe… when the time is right, He’ll do the same for me.

For now, I’m learning to be patient—with myself, with the process, and with the quiet wisdom of His timing.

Doa untuk ketenangan hati dan petunjuk dalam urusan jodoh:

“Ya Allah, jika hatiku belum benar-benar bersedia, tenangkanlah jiwaku dengan kasih-Mu. Bukakan jalanku dengan rahmat-Mu. Dan apabila tiba waktunya, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menerima cinta yang Engkau redai, dan membinanya dengan sabar, dengan iman, dan dengan penuh harapan kepada-Mu. Amin.”