30 Years and Still Struggling with My Faith

Hi all, it’s me again. Well, I’m the owner of this blog so of course, it’s gonna be me again 😌

Anyway, I have a concern about myself. I’m honestly worried about my spirituality. I feel lost again — not myself exactly, but my connection to my Creator.

There are times I feel guilty for missing a prayer. I try to improve, to complete all five daily prayers. Sometimes I succeed. But there are also times when I intentionally miss them. And even though the guilt is there, I just let it pass so casually, as if it doesn’t matter.

That’s what scares me.

What if I die today, and I have nothing to show my Creator? No proof that I was truly His believer and servant? What if all the good things I do are just an act? What if it’s not enough to bring me to heaven?

I’ve been granted life up until now — 30 years of living. And I don’t think I’ve been good enough. If I’m honest, I have done more bad deeds than good ones. Even now, I still fall into mistakes, even when I know they’re wrong.

I’m scared of what will happen on the day my eyes, ears, mouth, hands, my own body, and my soul speak about me — about the things I’ve done against their will. I’m scared because I know exactly what I’m doing. I am aware.

Thirty years of living should be enough to be firm and disciplined in spirituality. No more excuses. And that’s why I’m worried.