These past few days, I’ve been feeling demotivated - numb, like I’ve lost track of myself. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I think it started with my work.
It’s hard to explain. Nothing is actually that complicated, but somehow it feels like it is. I’ve been fighting an invisible battle with myself, and it’s been quietly affecting my stress levels, my motivation, and even the quality of my work - without me realizing it.
Despite everything, I honestly love my job - maybe a little too much. I’ve grown so comfortable with the freedom and flexibility it gives me that it’s starting to feel like a trap. Lately, I’ve felt restless and bored, like I need to do something more. But at the same time, I’m afraid to let go of this comfort I’ve built around myself.
The funny thing is, the stress from work isn’t always there. But when it comes, it completely takes over me - especially when there’s too much to do: scheduling, arranging, confirming bookings, preparing invoices. It’s not even that my work is particularly hard; sometimes I think it’s laughably simple. Yet here I am, feeling overwhelmed. And I keep asking myself, “Why am I like this?”
Eventually, the consequences caught up with me. The demotivation hit again, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I’d stare at my laptop, watching my unread emails climb from 100+ to over 300. Upcoming bookings sat untouched. My mind kept telling me to get up and start, but my body just froze. So I reached for my phone, opened Mobile Legends, and played nonstop - from morning to evening, evening to night. Win or lose, it didn’t matter. I’d only stop when my battery died. My sleep got worse too - sometimes just one or two hours a night.
I thought gaming would help me escape, but I was wrong. I just felt more numb. My work piled up, deadlines slipped, and eventually my boss started to notice.
“Do you really want to work?” he asked. “Because it doesn’t seem like it. You seem not very serious about it and I’m starting to worry about your commitment. Maybe we need to sit down and talk - maybe I need to give you an option.”
I replied with an excuse: “I’m not feeling well these days, sorry for the delay.” I should’ve felt scared - worried about losing my job - but I didn’t. My heart just felt lifeless, as if it quietly accepted his words because deep down, I knew they were true.
I guess after breaking down, I finally began to pick myself back up. I told my sister and one of my good friends about it. I could tell how bad I was being judged - they know the privilege I have in this job, and yet here I am, struggling. I know it might not sound like a big issue compared to theirs, but hey, sometimes I just need to yap a little. It made me realize how misunderstood burnout can be.
Anyway, on a serious note - my current state is getting better. I’m actually back on track. I’ve done most of the pending work that needed my attention, and I feel lighter now. Maybe it’s time to plan for a real, relaxing break - one where I can rest without thinking about work. Because during my past vacations, my mind was still tied to it, and I never really got to enjoy the moment. So I guess that’s what I need - a true rest.
Sometimes, I think we forget that rest isn’t a luxury - it’s a necessity. Maybe I don’t need to push harder right now; maybe I just need to pause. To remind myself that feeling tired doesn’t mean I’ve failed - it just means I’ve been trying for too long without a break.
And that’s okay.
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