I honestly don’t know who’s been reading my rambling thoughts here, but thanks for taking the time!
I never thought that being in your 30s could take you somewhere so deep within yourself. Suddenly, you start feeling the weight of “real life.”
You begin questioning whether this is the life you truly want. You wonder who you really are. You confront conflicts within yourself - financially, in your career, in relationships, and with your health. I used to think these kinds of questions only hit you in your 20s, and that by your 30s, life would somehow feel more settled. I was dead wrong.
I’m not sure if everyone goes through this phase in their 30s. Maybe some do, maybe some don’t. It probably depends on your environment and the situations life throws at you. I think I’m definitely going through it. Looking back at my posts this year, so much of it revolves around concerns about health, relationships, and work.
To be honest, it’s not the best feeling. You’re constantly searching for answers, trying to figure out what’s going on inside you. In my 20s, I felt my emotions and perspectives were unstable—stuck somewhere between anger and bargaining, like the early stages of grief. Now, in my 30s, it feels more like bargaining blended with a quiet, lingering heaviness. (Not seriously - just exaggerating a bit.)
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can improve myself, how I can become a better version of me. I want more credibility, more skills, more confidence - something that can help me move to the next level. The uncertainty feels heavy. With the person and skills I have now, I sometimes wonder if I can be truly successful in the future. I don’t aspire to be the richest CEO or a billionaire. But at the very least, I want stability - in my career, financially, and personally. I want to stand on my own feet, lessen the burden on my family, and make my parents proud.
Alongside personal growth, I’m also questioning my career path. I don’t know whether to stay in the field I studied or try something new. Taking the first step feels both necessary and scary. Questions like “What if?” or “Should I or shouldn’t I?” keep running through my mind. I’m not particularly drawn to return to the same field, but I also don’t know what other roles might suit me. Right now, I feel stuck. This uncertainty is part of the same journey of understanding myself more deeply.
What’s changed in me is that I feel more deeply about everything. That’s the hardest part because I don’t always understand what’s going on inside me. But one thing is certain: I’m genuinely curious about myself. I’ve been exploring self-awareness - watching content like “Kenali Diri” and “Aura Diri” - trying to understand my strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and patterns in my habits. I wish I could improve myself in those areas.
But here’s the honest truth: most of it is wishful thinking. I have a lot running through my mind, but my actions are often frozen. I hate that. And I hate it even more when I realize these issues are coming from me.
I know that self-awareness alone isn’t enough. Thinking and reflecting are important, but action is what changes things. Freezing or overthinking only makes the uncertainty heavier. So, I’ve been trying - slowly, imperfectly - to take small steps toward improvement.
It could be something as simple as learning a new skill, sticking to a routine, or facing one fear at a time. Even small victories count because they remind me that growth isn’t sudden - it’s gradual, messy, and often uncomfortable.
What gives me hope is that I’m beginning to understand patterns in myself. I see the habits that hold me back, the moments when I doubt my worth, and the ways I can shift my mindset. That awareness is powerful - it’s a compass, even when the path ahead is unclear.
I’ve also realized that comparing myself to others is pointless. Everyone’s journey is different. What matters is that I keep moving forward, learning, adjusting, and forgiving myself when I falter. My 30s are teaching me that life isn’t about perfection or rushing toward a final goal. It’s about steady growth, curiosity, and resilience.
So, even though uncertainty feels heavy, and the weight of expectations can be overwhelming, I’m learning to embrace it. To see it as a sign that I’m alive, questioning, and striving. To see it as an opportunity to understand myself more deeply, and to slowly build the life I want - one small, intentional step at a time.
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