The Game is Easy, The Office Isn't

This year, I haven't posted anything yet.

To be honest, I do have one draft sitting in my folder. But reading it back today, I sound... excited. And re-reading it now, I’m not even sure if I actually was excited, or if I just forced myself to sound that way for the sake of writing a blog post. I don't know anymore.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how much I talk about work. But the work itself isn't entirely the problem - it’s more about how I’m dealing with myself just to make things work. If that makes any sense.

Somehow, this year just feels tough. The office dynamic has shifted lately, and to be honest, my boss is a pretty chill guy. But I really don't like how he makes me feel when he questions my work. It doesn't matter if I did something wrong or right - the questions keep coming, "why" after "why," without him really wanting to understand the reason behind it. Every time I answer, I feel like it just backfires and leads to more questions. I can't handle it, and it's not like I can blame anyone else either. At times like this, it feels completely alone. Like a solo battlefield.

To be fair, I know I'm not exactly the perfect employee. I know my cons. I delay, I come in late, I miss bookings, I miss tours... there are times when I don't even know what the fuck is going on.

I actually tried checking Gemini about my issues, and it told me I was facing "burnout." I just laughed. Compared to other companies, my workload is really nothing much. It's just updating existing bookings, following up, preparing invoices, and making sure the guides, transport, and vendors are ready for the tours. It's nothing much. But somehow, I feel broken between all of it anyway.

Lately, I've just been playing games endlessly. Even my sweet three-year-old niece noticed and said to me, "Cikwa asyik main game je." It broke my heart to hear that from a child, because it just showed me how terribly I'm trying to cope with everything making a mess in my head.

But I love playing because, in that world, I have control. I can see exactly how things are going. I earn and lose stars based on my own merits and my teammates. I can actually see myself being a capable player. I know what my hero can do, and even when my teammates doubt me, proving them wrong feels like an unlocked achievement. In that world, I am actually achieving something - even if reality tells me I'm just wasting time that could be spent on a better, more beneficial future.

I don't know, man. At this point, I'm just writing whatever crosses my mind. Deep down, there's this heavy burden of emotion that I don't even know how to name. It just feels stuck on my shoulders, and because I can't really express it or let it all out, I'm left feeling everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. I don't even know what it is.

I wonder if I cry, does it help?