Unclear Paths, Honest Thoughts

Thinking about the future is a deep, sometimes scary thing — at least for me. Overthinking it can make the path ahead feel blurry and uncertain. As someone who hasn’t yet found a long-term goal, my future often feels like walking with blurry eyes, unable to afford spectacles to see the road clearly. It’s unclear, intimidating, and unsure.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense why people need others — family, friends, even strangers. Their actions, whether good or bad, leave traces on our paths. A difficult family situation can either push you forward or hold you back. Friends can lift you up or, sometimes, drag you down. Even strangers’ kindness or trickery can influence the direction you take.

And maybe that’s the reality of life: we don’t navigate it alone. We rely on others to help illuminate at least a part of the path, even when the full road remains invisible.

If life grants us more time, perhaps we can slowly figure out our future. Maybe in the next few months, I’ll notice some clues pointing toward my path. Or maybe I’ll never fully see the future in this lifetime — and that’s a humbling thought.

Thinking beyond this life, my real future feels even more uncertain. I know I’m far from perfect, far from ideal, and sometimes it scares me. That’s why one of my quiet wishes is this: if my life in this world remains blurry, at the very least, may I glimpse a clear version of my life in the hereafter.

Even when the path is unclear, even when the future is scary, writing about it helps me pause, reflect, and acknowledge my hopes — however small they may be. And perhaps that’s enough for now.

When Being Included Still Feels Like Being Left Out

The other day, I attended my high school friend's wedding. To be honest, I wasn't really invited at first, lol. But I saw her story on Instagram about getting married, so I messaged her to congratulate her and wish her well. I mean, who doesn't feel happy for a friend, right? While we were talking, she sent over an invitation and asked if I could invite the other girls from our group because she had lost their contact info. I forwarded the invitation to our group chat, but in the end, I was the only one who went.

I went alone, and while I was sitting there eating my food, a familiar face approached me. It was one of my old classmates. She said hello and we started talking. She mentioned she had seen me earlier but wasn't sure it was me until she came closer. Apparently, a few other friends from our class and other classes were there too. They immediately came over to my table to chat. We had a mini-reunion and shared quick updates on what we’ve been up to. It was nice seeing them again since it’s been ages -the last time was probably at a school reunion or a friend's wedding after school, which was like 9 or 10 years ago. I could barely remember how long it had been.

I didn't talk much - it was mostly a quick Q&A session about jobs, kids, and general life updates. But while we were catching up, I couldn't help feeling out of place. It felt like there was a huge wall between us, and their energy felt more like a polite "business approach" than genuine connection. I honestly would have preferred a quick, casual hello. Instead, because I was sitting alone, they treated me like a charity project they needed to take care of. Joining their table only made me feel more left out as they talked about their WhatsApp group and inside jokes - sitting there stiffly listening to them made me feel far lonelier than when I was actually by myself.

But on the brighter side, I could tell there was one person who was genuinely happy to see me, and naturally, I felt much more comfortable talking to her than the others.

Afterward, we left the wedding after taking a group photo with the bride and groom. Honestly, the whole situation after we meet up was just plain awkward. No hard feelings towards them - they were trying to be polite, and I was just chilling on my own. It is what it is, but at least I walked away with one good catch-up and survived the group photo for memories!

The Game is Easy, The Office Isn't

This year, I haven't posted anything yet.

To be honest, I do have one draft sitting in my folder. But reading it back today, I sound... excited. And re-reading it now, I’m not even sure if I actually was excited, or if I just forced myself to sound that way for the sake of writing a blog post. I don't know anymore.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how much I talk about work. But the work itself isn't entirely the problem - it’s more about how I’m dealing with myself just to make things work. If that makes any sense.

Somehow, this year just feels tough. The office dynamic has shifted lately, and to be honest, my boss is a pretty chill guy. But I really don't like how he makes me feel when he questions my work. It doesn't matter if I did something wrong or right - the questions keep coming, "why" after "why," without him really wanting to understand the reason behind it. Every time I answer, I feel like it just backfires and leads to more questions. I can't handle it, and it's not like I can blame anyone else either. At times like this, it feels completely alone. Like a solo battlefield.

To be fair, I know I'm not exactly the perfect employee. I know my cons. I delay, I come in late, I miss bookings, I miss tours... there are times when I don't even know what the fuck is going on.

I actually tried checking Gemini about my issues, and it told me I was facing "burnout." I just laughed. Compared to other companies, my workload is really nothing much. It's just updating existing bookings, following up, preparing invoices, and making sure the guides, transport, and vendors are ready for the tours. It's nothing much. But somehow, I feel broken between all of it anyway.

Lately, I've just been playing games endlessly. Even my sweet three-year-old niece noticed and said to me, "Cikwa asyik main game je." It broke my heart to hear that from a child, because it just showed me how terribly I'm trying to cope with everything making a mess in my head.

But I love playing because, in that world, I have control. I can see exactly how things are going. I earn and lose stars based on my own merits and my teammates. I can actually see myself being a capable player. I know what my hero can do, and even when my teammates doubt me, proving them wrong feels like an unlocked achievement. In that world, I am actually achieving something - even if reality tells me I'm just wasting time that could be spent on a better, more beneficial future.

I don't know, man. At this point, I'm just writing whatever crosses my mind. Deep down, there's this heavy burden of emotion that I don't even know how to name. It just feels stuck on my shoulders, and because I can't really express it or let it all out, I'm left feeling everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time. I don't even know what it is.

I wonder if I cry, does it help?

Mid-Year Check-In: Where I’m At Right Now

Since this is only my second post of the year, I thought I’d do a quick recap of how things have been going up until now.

Work & Job Applications I’m still working at the same company, though I’ve started exploring other opportunities. I sent out a few applications to other companies, but haven't received any feedback yet. Remember that SPEE test I took? Unfortunately, I failed that one. On top of that, I totally missed the SPEE exam for Assistant Property Manager because I wasn't feeling well that day and completely forgot about it. What luck, right?

On a brighter note, I applied for a few government positions and unexpectedly got called for interviews! Alhamdulillah, I attended both and am currently waiting for the results. Fingers crossed!

Fitness & Weight Journey I managed to keep up with my weight loss journey during Ramadhan and lost around 3 kg (yay!). But as of recently... I gained those 3 kg right back, lol.

Quran & Learning Journey After 3 long years in Iqra through my online class, I finally made it to the Al-Quran! Plus, I was actually able to read it during Ramadhan—yay again!

I also registered for a physical kelas mengaji, starting back with Iqra. Since the class happens to be on the same level as my office, I decided to take the opportunity to relearn everything. Physical classes feel so much better than online ones because the teacher can hear my pronunciation more accurately and correct how I sound in real-time.

As for Mandarin, I signed up for an online class (again) but haven't attended much. I think I only made it to two classes so far, though I did learn how to write Pinyin! I definitely need to catch up, as I’ve missed quite a lot.

Birthday Reflections When my birthday came around, I didn't get myself a cake like I usually do. Even though I was pretty excited leading up to it—and even imagined taking a cute picture with my new age to post on IG—I just didn't feel like celebrating when the day arrived. So now, here we are in July.

The Year That Challenged Me More Than I Expected

This year, I realised I actually wrote quite a number of posts. From January until now - with a few skips here and there. I missed May, June, and September completely. Honestly, I can’t even remember what happened during those months. Maybe work swallowed me whole, or maybe life just moved too fast to keep track.

And now it’s December, the final month before we step into 2026. Time really does fly. I still can’t believe I made it through the rollercoaster of emotions this year brought. My hormones definitely had their own storyline too. And yes, I survived it all… single. I don’t even want to talk about finding a partner anymore - not right now. I’m definitely not in my mating season or phase, and surprisingly, I’m completely okay with that. Hahaha.

This year felt especially challenging. Each year has its own struggles, but 2024 (and parts of 2025) pushed me harder because the battle wasn’t with life… it was with myself. People always say “your worst enemy is your own self,” and I felt that deeply. I’ve faced inner battles before, but this time something shifted - I want to improve. I’m interested in more things, curious about my career direction, questioning my worth, my skills, the life I’m building. I’m becoming more aware of who I am and who I’m not.

But the more I crave change, the more I seem to wrestle with procrastination. It feels like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brakes. Wanting growth but stuck in habits that don’t match the life I imagine.

Someone once told me that life “starts at 32.” That’s when adulthood peaks. And everything before 32 is supposed to be the time to build good habits, discipline, and a lifestyle that will shape the rest of your life. Hearing that honestly scares me. I promised myself I’d grow spiritually and personally, but some habits cling like glue - sleeping late, getting lost in games, wasting time, not improving in the ways I know I should.

When I think about myself five years from now… the image is blurry. I can’t even picture her clearly. And that scares me too, because it shows how uncertain I feel at this point in my life. I admire people who know exactly what they want - who they want to be, where they’re heading, what purpose they’re living for. Meanwhile, I’m still figuring out the basics: what do I even want?

My simple wish has always been to contribute something meaningful to my family and society. But beyond that? No big plan. No long-term goal. And I think that’s the root of my struggle - trying to grow without a clear direction.

I know there are people out there who feel the same, but maybe they figured things out earlier because life gave them reasons - children, responsibilities, dreams to chase. I don’t have that push. I don’t have my own family. And I don’t want to force myself to live “for my family” either, because appreciation isn’t guaranteed, and doing things only for others doesn’t always bring happiness. And as for living for myself… I’m still trying to understand what that even means.

But here’s what I’m learning:

I may not have everything figured out. I may not have a roadmap, a timeline, or a list of goals. But I’m still here, trying. And maybe that’s enough for where I am right now. I’ll keep improving where I can, keep exploring what feels right, and keep learning more about myself. My future might be blurry, but I’m still moving - even if it’s slow.

PSEE Exam: My Honest Experience

Hey readers! 

Recently, I received an email from SPA9 about the online exam – Penilaian Memasuki Perkhidmatan Awam (PSEE) – Ujian Penilaian Psikometrik for the position of PEMBANTU TADBIR (PERKERANIAN/OPERASI) GRED N1 (SEMENANJUNG) under the Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam and Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia. And today was the day of the exam!

Honestly, this isn’t my first time taking the PSEE. Previously, I had the chance to sit for exams for KASTAM and PENOLONG PEGAWAI PEMBANGUNAN MASYARAKAT GRED. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to move to the next stage because my score didn’t meet the expected benchmark for those positions.

So when I got another chance to take the PSEE, I decided to look for tips to improve my approach. Some people said it’s important to be consistent, honest, and fast when answering. Some said to be yourself, and some also shared tips by saying you need to be fake for some certain things when answering, but the key is consistency.

That’s exactly what I did last time - be myself, honest, and fast - but I still didn’t pass, which left me a bit confused, especially the consistency part.

This time, I knew I needed a different approach. So I tried asking ChatGPT for help, and it gave me a mock exam. I practiced repeatedly, focusing on the areas where I needed to be more consistent. Slowly, I started to understand the patterns and the types of questions. Even my mock scores were quite high, which gave me a bit of confidence heading into the real exam.

When the exam started… boom! My first thought: “What the hell?” 

The questions were nothing like the mock. Instead of “Strongly Agree – Strongly Disagree,” it was “This is very me – This is not very me," which is still understandable to find the keyword. But some of the question were tricky like this:

“Saya merasa seronok melihat galeri” “Saya merasakan diri saya sebagai popular” “Saya akan bermeditasi atau berdoa”

Tricky, right? There’s no right or wrong answer - it’s all about your social tendencies and lifestyle. Suddenly, all my mock prep felt a bit… scammed. 😅

Nevertheless, I did my best to answer every question carefully. I hope my answers fit the expectations for this category. Since I’ve failed before, I’m not putting my hopes too high - but if I get to the next stage, Alhamdulilah. If not, I’m still grateful for the opportunity.

I’ll update again once I receive the results!

Bali Residence to A’Famosa Safari: A Trip That Opened My Eyes

It’s story time!

Yesterday, my family and I finally reached home after spending the weekend in Melaka. We stayed one night at the Bali Residence Melaka. After checking in, we chilled in the room for about an hour before heading down to the swimming pool. Usually, I don’t bother with pools — I live in a condo, so seeing one is nothing new (arrogant, I know 😅). But this time, my two little nephew was so excited and kept begging us to bring him down. My kind older sister pitied him, and just like that, I got dragged along.

AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

The kids’ section felt like a mini waterpark — slides, splash buckets, water guns, everything. I honestly wished I was under 12 again so I could play without shame. Since I couldn’t join fully, I just played around in the water while teasing my nephews, trying to convince them to try everything. Unfortunately, both of them were scaredy-cats. Cute, but useless. 😂

That was the highlight of Day 1.

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Day 2: A’Famosa Safari Wonderland (Alor Gajah)

I’ve been there before with a friend back in 2020, and I enjoyed it a lot, so I was excited to go again with my family. The entrance fee was quite pricey though — RM60+ per person.

But once we entered, I immediately noticed changes. There’s now a crocodile cave right after the entrance, which wasn’t there before. Inside, it was nicely designed — cool with air-conditioning, and it felt like an aquarium. You could clearly see the crocodiles, and honestly, it was pretty nice for pictures!

Throughout the visit, I noticed they added quite a lot, especially the truck-tour feature. The safari seems extended, and now certain areas are toured using their trucks. The driver would introduce the animals — their names, species, habitat, etc. We got to see the cat family, birds, hippos, deer, and more.

There’s also a Monkey Island now, and to get there we had to ride a seated boat across. The monkeys were super cute! Their animal shows were mostly the same, but they added the “Wild West” show and an aquatic elephant segment.

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My Honest Thoughts

The fun animal play, bird show, and elephant show were actually cute and educational. I enjoyed those.
But the Wild West show… oh dear. Honestly horrible for me. Too much action that felt unnecessary — lots of hitting, punching, and kicking. Not really suitable for kids. And I couldn’t even understand what the actors were saying — everything sounded like gibberish. I wish they would replace the violence with more skillful, entertaining stunts instead.

Also, animal feeding was crazy expensive. A small bucket of bananas for RM20?? Bloody hell.

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The Sustainability Part

Now, this part hit me differently.

Since I’m working in travel agency and involved in sustainable tourism, I couldn’t help but notice things that didn’t feel sustainable at all.

Animals have extremely sensitive hearing. I can’t imagine how many trucks pass by daily — the noise, the engine vibration, the loudspeaker announcements over and over again. It’s a lot.

To make it worse, the weather was really hot yesterday. At least we could bring our umbrellas. But some of the animal enclosures were quite exposed, with very few trees for shade. I kept thinking about how stressed the animals must be.

I’m still grateful that the safari gives people the chance to see wildlife up close. It’s rare and special.
But I really hope in the future, we can enjoy these experiences in a way that’s healthier, kinder, and more sustainable — so that the animals can live better, and so we can continue learning about them without harming them.

What Turning 30 Really Feels Like

I honestly don’t know who’s been reading my rambling thoughts here, but thanks for taking the time!

I never thought that being in your 30s could take you somewhere so deep within yourself. Suddenly, you start feeling the weight of “real life.”

You begin questioning whether this is the life you truly want. You wonder who you really are. You confront conflicts within yourself - financially, in your career, in relationships, and with your health. I used to think these kinds of questions only hit you in your 20s, and that by your 30s, life would somehow feel more settled. I was dead wrong.

I’m not sure if everyone goes through this phase in their 30s. Maybe some do, maybe some don’t. It probably depends on your environment and the situations life throws at you. I think I’m definitely going through it. Looking back at my posts this year, so much of it revolves around concerns about health, relationships, and work.

To be honest, it’s not the best feeling. You’re constantly searching for answers, trying to figure out what’s going on inside you. In my 20s, I felt my emotions and perspectives were unstable—stuck somewhere between anger and bargaining, like the early stages of grief. Now, in my 30s, it feels more like bargaining blended with a quiet, lingering heaviness. (Not seriously - just exaggerating a bit.)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can improve myself, how I can become a better version of me. I want more credibility, more skills, more confidence - something that can help me move to the next level. The uncertainty feels heavy. With the person and skills I have now, I sometimes wonder if I can be truly successful in the future. I don’t aspire to be the richest CEO or a billionaire. But at the very least, I want stability - in my career, financially, and personally. I want to stand on my own feet, lessen the burden on my family, and make my parents proud.

Alongside personal growth, I’m also questioning my career path. I don’t know whether to stay in the field I studied or try something new. Taking the first step feels both necessary and scary. Questions like “What if?” or “Should I or shouldn’t I?” keep running through my mind. I’m not particularly drawn to return to the same field, but I also don’t know what other roles might suit me. Right now, I feel stuck. This uncertainty is part of the same journey of understanding myself more deeply.

What’s changed in me is that I feel more deeply about everything. That’s the hardest part because I don’t always understand what’s going on inside me. But one thing is certain: I’m genuinely curious about myself. I’ve been exploring self-awareness - watching content like “Kenali Diri” and “Aura Diri” - trying to understand my strengths, weaknesses, struggles, and patterns in my habits. I wish I could improve myself in those areas.

But here’s the honest truth: most of it is wishful thinking. I have a lot running through my mind, but my actions are often frozen. I hate that. And I hate it even more when I realize these issues are coming from me.

I know that self-awareness alone isn’t enough. Thinking and reflecting are important, but action is what changes things. Freezing or overthinking only makes the uncertainty heavier. So, I’ve been trying - slowly, imperfectly - to take small steps toward improvement.

It could be something as simple as learning a new skill, sticking to a routine, or facing one fear at a time. Even small victories count because they remind me that growth isn’t sudden - it’s gradual, messy, and often uncomfortable.

What gives me hope is that I’m beginning to understand patterns in myself. I see the habits that hold me back, the moments when I doubt my worth, and the ways I can shift my mindset. That awareness is powerful - it’s a compass, even when the path ahead is unclear.

I’ve also realized that comparing myself to others is pointless. Everyone’s journey is different. What matters is that I keep moving forward, learning, adjusting, and forgiving myself when I falter. My 30s are teaching me that life isn’t about perfection or rushing toward a final goal. It’s about steady growth, curiosity, and resilience.

So, even though uncertainty feels heavy, and the weight of expectations can be overwhelming, I’m learning to embrace it. To see it as a sign that I’m alive, questioning, and striving. To see it as an opportunity to understand myself more deeply, and to slowly build the life I want - one small, intentional step at a time.

Love Isn’t Blind - But Sometimes We Are

Love feels simple… until it isn’t. Until it asks more than just your heart. Until it requires patience, wisdom, and sometimes sacrifice. Watching someone I care about navigate love has made me pause and reflect on what it truly means to love wisely.

There’s this girl I know - someone whose life naturally gravitates toward love. She desires it deeply, almost desperately, while I find myself craving it in a quieter, steadier way. Through her journey, I’ve learned that love is not just a feeling. It’s a test, a responsibility, and a crossroads between your heart and your values.

She often dives headfirst into relationships, many with men she meets through online platforms. She gives everything - her trust, her hope, her dreams. Even when red flags appear, she holds onto the idea of love, dreaming of marriage and believing wholeheartedly in the best parts of people.

Now she’s seeing someone new - a Christian man she’s known for only two months. She says he’s good, better than the one before, and she speaks of marriage again. “We’ll take it slow,” she tells me. “If it’s meant to be, we’ll end up together.”

It’s beautiful, in a way. But it also worries me.

It’s not just about religion as a label. It’s about the foundation you build your entire life on. If you and your partner do not share the most fundamental beliefs about the purpose of life, how children should be raised, or where your ultimate allegiance lies, that foundation will strain under pressures that even strong love may not withstand. There’s a saying: a ship may sail smoothly, but if its two captains are heading toward different destinations, it may reach neither.

I’ve gently reminded her that love alone isn’t always enough. Conversion for love, instead of genuine faith, can become a heavy test. Feelings may guide you, but actions - especially those that last a lifetime - require clarity and wisdom.

She tells me not to judge. “In Allah’s mercy, people change. As long as we have faith, there is hope.” And she’s right. Hope is powerful. Mercy is endless. But even hope should not blind us to reality. Protecting your heart and your faith doesn’t mean turning away from love - it means honoring the life, values, and path you’ve been entrusted with.

Feelings are gifts. But feelings are also fleeting. The decisions we make in their name can shape our entire future. Marriage can be beautiful, even magical - but it is also responsibility, effort, and sacrifice. Love without alignment in faith and values is a risk many don’t recognize until they’re already facing its consequences.

Watching her, I’ve realized something: loving wisely doesn’t diminish love. It strengthens it. It makes love steadier, safer, and more aligned with the person you are.

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do in love is wait. Trust that what is meant for you will come - not only guided by your heart, but by wisdom, patience, and faith. Guard your heart, nurture it, and love - but love wisely.

Because love, when paired with patience and faith, becomes something enduring, sacred, and truly worth giving.

From the People We Know to the People We Don’t

I’ve always believed that the saying “from the people we know to the people we don’t” holds some truth - though, for a long time, I never really felt it myself. My circle of friends has always been small, about five people, and we’ve stayed surprisingly consistent over the years. We don’t hang out often, and when we do, it feels like nothing much has changed.

Or at least, that’s what I thought - until I met up with one of my best friends.

She’s my best friend since we're in high school. Even though she’s married now, she’s always seemed the same - her laugh, her energy, her warmth. But during one of our hangout, something unexpected happened. She ordered shisha.

I was honestly stunned. I never imagined her doing that. As it turns out, she learned it during her diploma days. Watching her and her husband sharing it so casually made me realize how much life happens in the years we don’t see each other - how much people grow and shift without us even noticing.

Since then, I’ve started to notice small changes whenever we meet - in her words, her way of thinking, her expressions. And now that she’s a mother, I can see even more change in her - in her sense of responsibility, her warmth, her gentle maturity. They’re subtle, but enough to remind me that time is always moving forward, quietly reshaping us.

And it’s not just her. Another friend from our group has changed too.

Back in high school, she was known for her sensitive heart and hot temper. Honestly, I never thought we’d stay close after school - she had her own circle, and I had mine. But somehow, we found our way into the same group again as adults.

Over time, I noticed something different about her too. She’s calmer now, more open. The same friend who used to get easily hurt or mad at jokes now laughs things off more easily. Her temper hasn’t completely disappeared, but it’s softer - like a fire that’s learned how to warm instead of burn. It’s actually beautiful to see that kind of change in someone you’ve known for so long.

Whenever I sense these changes in my friends, I sometimes feel a little distance - a small space between who they are now and who I remember them to be. Other times, I feel impressed, even proud. But it never affects our bond. Our friendship remains strong, just layered with new versions of ourselves.

Still, it makes me wonder. Maybe it is possible for us to slowly become strangers in some ways - not because we stop caring, but because we’re always evolving. It’s impossible for anyone to stay exactly the same after a decade of living.

And maybe even I’ve changed too, in ways I don’t realize. Maybe my friends notice things in me that I can’t see myself.

So yes, perhaps one day we might become different people from the ones we once knew. But maybe that’s okay - because every time we meet again, we get the chance to rediscover each other.

Feeling Numb and Lost: When Work Starts to Weigh You Down

These past few days, I’ve been feeling demotivated - numb, like I’ve lost track of myself. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I think it started with my work.

It’s hard to explain. Nothing is actually that complicated, but somehow it feels like it is. I’ve been fighting an invisible battle with myself, and it’s been quietly affecting my stress levels, my motivation, and even the quality of my work - without me realizing it.

Despite everything, I honestly love my job - maybe a little too much. I’ve grown so comfortable with the freedom and flexibility it gives me that it’s starting to feel like a trap. Lately, I’ve felt restless and bored, like I need to do something more. But at the same time, I’m afraid to let go of this comfort I’ve built around myself.

The funny thing is, the stress from work isn’t always there. But when it comes, it completely takes over me - especially when there’s too much to do: scheduling, arranging, confirming bookings, preparing invoices. It’s not even that my work is particularly hard; sometimes I think it’s laughably simple. Yet here I am, feeling overwhelmed. And I keep asking myself, “Why am I like this?”

Eventually, the consequences caught up with me. The demotivation hit again, and I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I’d stare at my laptop, watching my unread emails climb from 100+ to over 300. Upcoming bookings sat untouched. My mind kept telling me to get up and start, but my body just froze. So I reached for my phone, opened Mobile Legends, and played nonstop - from morning to evening, evening to night. Win or lose, it didn’t matter. I’d only stop when my battery died. My sleep got worse too - sometimes just one or two hours a night.

I thought gaming would help me escape, but I was wrong. I just felt more numb. My work piled up, deadlines slipped, and eventually my boss started to notice.

“Do you really want to work?” he asked. “Because it doesn’t seem like it. You seem not very serious about it and I’m starting to worry about your commitment. Maybe we need to sit down and talk - maybe I need to give you an option.”

I replied with an excuse: “I’m not feeling well these days, sorry for the delay.” I should’ve felt scared - worried about losing my job - but I didn’t. My heart just felt lifeless, as if it quietly accepted his words because deep down, I knew they were true.

I guess after breaking down, I finally began to pick myself back up. I told my sister and one of my good friends about it. I could tell how bad I was being judged - they know the privilege I have in this job, and yet here I am, struggling. I know it might not sound like a big issue compared to theirs, but hey, sometimes I just need to yap a little. It made me realize how misunderstood burnout can be.

Anyway, on a serious note - my current state is getting better. I’m actually back on track. I’ve done most of the pending work that needed my attention, and I feel lighter now. Maybe it’s time to plan for a real, relaxing break - one where I can rest without thinking about work. Because during my past vacations, my mind was still tied to it, and I never really got to enjoy the moment. So I guess that’s what I need - a true rest.

Sometimes, I think we forget that rest isn’t a luxury - it’s a necessity. Maybe I don’t need to push harder right now; maybe I just need to pause. To remind myself that feeling tired doesn’t mean I’ve failed - it just means I’ve been trying for too long without a break.

And that’s okay.

When My Path Stays Unpaired: Trusting Allah's Beautiful Plan

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the idea of being single - not from a place of sadness, but from acceptance. Society often tells us that love and marriage are the ultimate goals, but what if our path looks different? What if solitude itself is part of the plan - a space for peace, growth, and faith?

This post is a reflection on where I currently stand in that journey - learning to embrace my singularity and trusting the rhythm that Allah has set for me.

Embracing My Singularity

Today’s thoughts might sound a little random, but I think I’ve finally started to accept the fact that I might remain single forever. And honestly? It’s not that bad.

I understand the beauty of having a partner - building a family, growing old together, and watching your children grow. It’s a beautiful journey, no doubt. But that beauty also comes with responsibility, maturity, compromise, and sacrifice - all of which require emotional investment. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, and perhaps Allah knows that best. The version of me right now might not be capable of carrying such responsibilities, and maybe that’s why my path remains singular for now.

As I grow older and see more of the world around me, I find myself uncertain about whether I’m truly ready for married life. I’ll admit it - I’m scared. My cousin once told me, “Not everyone who gets married is truly ready for marriage, but they go through it regardless.” Her words stayed with me. At first, I felt attacked - like she was saying I was just making excuses. But after some reflection, I realized what I was missing wasn’t desire or courage -it was strength.

Not everyone is ready, but some are given the strength to move forward. That’s the difference. And that strength, I believe, is given by Allah.

I once read that constantly wondering “What if?” or “When will it be my turn?” shows a lack of trust in Allah’s plan. Doubting His timing or questioning why our path looks different can actually bring more sadness than peace. We are encouraged instead to surrender - to believe that His plan is always perfect, even when it doesn’t align with what we imagined.

For me, that surrender has become easier with time. I’ve stopped doubting my love life or asking when it will happen. I’ve started to truly accept that if Allah wills for me to remain single, then so be it. In the Qur’an, Allah says, “We created you in pairs,” but it doesn’t necessarily mean that every human in this world is destined to find a soulmate. Some leave this world early, some are simply not meant for marriage, and that too is part of His divine wisdom.

To me, that verse is a reminder of balance - that Allah created opposites to reflect His greatness: light and dark, sun and moon, good and bad. Not every creation must have a pair in this world - perhaps the pairing awaits us in the Hereafter, inshaAllah.

Sometimes I still wonder, of course. But deep down, I’ve made peace with my current path. Whatever Allah has written for me, I will accept wholeheartedly.

So yes - I’m single, and maybe I’ll remain this way. And that’s okay. My story just doesn’t cross that path right now, and maybe, it never will. But even then, I trust that it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.

Maybe the beauty of life isn’t always about finding someone to walk beside you - but learning to walk gracefully on your own, trusting that Allah’s plan is always the most beautiful one. May Allah grant us peace in every stage of our journey - whether we walk it with someone or in solitude - and may our hearts always find contentment in His plan. Ameen.

30 Years and Still Struggling with My Faith

Hi all, it’s me again. Well, I’m the owner of this blog so of course, it’s gonna be me again 😌

Anyway, I have a concern about myself. I’m honestly worried about my spirituality. I feel lost again — not myself exactly, but my connection to my Creator.

There are times I feel guilty for missing a prayer. I try to improve, to complete all five daily prayers. Sometimes I succeed. But there are also times when I intentionally miss them. And even though the guilt is there, I just let it pass so casually, as if it doesn’t matter.

That’s what scares me.

What if I die today, and I have nothing to show my Creator? No proof that I was truly His believer and servant? What if all the good things I do are just an act? What if it’s not enough to bring me to heaven?

I’ve been granted life up until now — 30 years of living. And I don’t think I’ve been good enough. If I’m honest, I have done more bad deeds than good ones. Even now, I still fall into mistakes, even when I know they’re wrong.

I’m scared of what will happen on the day my eyes, ears, mouth, hands, my own body, and my soul speak about me — about the things I’ve done against their will. I’m scared because I know exactly what I’m doing. I am aware.

Thirty years of living should be enough to be firm and disciplined in spirituality. No more excuses. And that’s why I’m worried.

Confession of a Panic–Overthinker Admin

I’ve been an admin for two years now, and let me tell you — it’s not the “easy paperwork” job people think it is.

We’re basically the office’s human glue — holding together schedules, bookings, payments, follow-ups, random “urgent” requests, and the occasional “Can you just…?” (which is never just).

The thing is, my admin style isn’t the colour-coded, perfectly labelled, ultra-organised kind you see on Pinterest. I’m more of a “panicked but somehow it gets done” kind of admin. I can handle the workload, but I know I need a better system — for me, and for the poor souls who rely on me.

The hardest part? This role requires you to remember everything. And I mean everything. You’re the walking “to-do” list of the company. But one small miss, and suddenly you’re starring in a workplace drama you never auditioned for.

I get so jealous of naturally organised people who seem to just… know what to do next. Meanwhile, I’m here overthinking the overthinking.

Still, I’ve learned to respect this role (and myself in it) more than ever. Admins aren’t “just admin.” We’re problem-spotters, fixers, time-keepers, chaos-containers. And even if the work is invisible most of the time, it’s the reason the wheels keep turning.

So here’s to the admins — whether you’re a neat freak or a last-minute miracle worker like me — because without us, the whole thing falls apart.

Weight Loss Update: From 89kg to 86kg Without Starving or Struggling

Hey everyone 👋
Just wanted to give a little update on my weight journey.

The last time I talked about this was back in February 2025, when I posted “Stuck at 89kg: Time to Break the Cycle.”
Honestly… I didn’t do anything after that post. Maybe I just needed to get those thoughts off my chest.

Since then, my weight stayed around 89kg — until recently.

And surprisingly, the change started from one random question I asked ChatGPT. I was supposed to get a weight loss plan (which I didn’t even follow 😅)… but somehow that turned into me tracking all my meals.

On 1st July 2025, I started logging everything I ate — from breakfast to dinner. ChatGPT estimated the calories and gave little comments on my food choices. Over time, I began making small swaps:

• Fried → grilled or stir-fried

• Less kuah in my meals

• More veggies and lean protein

• Less rice & processed sauces

• Added more fruits

• Slowly reduced sugar from “less sugar” to “no sugar”

Now, here’s the part I never thought I could do — cutting down on rice. I LOVE RICE. RICE IS LIFE. The idea of eating less made me unhappy at first. And no kuah? Even worse! I thought I couldn’t eat “dry” rice.

But after trying, it wasn’t bad at all. A plate full of veggies and protein actually kept me satisfied — even with half the usual rice. And the rice wasn’t truly “dry” anyway… there’s still the essence of kuah from your lauk and veg, just in a smaller portion. It just took time to adjust, and I didn’t go 100% clean from day one. That’s my biggest tip: start small, change gradually, and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Tracking gave me a huge awareness of my calorie intake — and honestly, it’s crazy. Some small, innocent-looking snacks are calorie bombs. Example: jemput-jemput. Just 5 pieces = 200+ calories! That’s enough to push you over your daily limit without realising it.

Even eating out is different now. At the local kedai tomyum, I used to order nasi pad khaprao. But after learning how much oil, sauce, and sugar it has, I switched to nasi putih with ayam goreng kunyit — cleaner and more balanced.

🎉 The Result?
I’ve lost 3kg in a month — without starving, over-exercising, or obsessing.
I’m now 86kg, and the best part?
It didn’t feel like a punishment.

Just awareness, small swaps, and consistent tracking.

To anyone feeling stuck:
You don’t need to go hardcore to make progress.
Sometimes all it takes is one small step — and a little accountability.

Here’s to better habits, one meal at a time 🥗💪
I’ll share more next time!

When Silence Feels Like Betrayal: A Reflection on Palestine, Faith, and Humanity

Today, I feel called to write this—not because I have answers, but because staying silent feels like betrayal.

When it comes to the conflict between Palestine and Israel, I’ve always stood with my Palestinian brothers and sisters. Before I am even a human being, I am their family through our shared religion—we believe in the same Prophet, the same God, the same faith.

But that doesn’t mean I blindly support everything done in their name. I do not support extremism or acts of violence that go against what our religion teaches. Islam never permits injustice—even when we are the victims of it.

---

A Narrative That Never Felt Right

Every time I hear Israel’s narrative—videos claiming they're “defending themselves,” footage of them being “attacked”—something always feels off. We’ve seen too much to take these stories at face value.

From the beginning, we were told the truth.
We’ve lived it, witnessed it, felt it.
And that’s what keeps me grounded. Unshaken.

---

Gaza Today: A Humanitarian Nightmare

The current situation in Gaza is unbearable.

• Famine.

• Starvation.

• Children dying—not just from bombs, but now from hunger.

• Parents watching their children slowly wither.

• Elders waiting silently for death.

All because of a blockade on food, water, and humanitarian aid.

They’re not just being killed—they're being erased.
Punished simply for surviving.

Scroll through social media and you’ll see: Palestinians are no longer just running from bombs—they’re fighting to survive starvation. Skin clinging to bone. Eyes filled with fear and sorrow. Homes turned to rubble. Lives shattered beyond repair.

There is no safe place left in their own land.

---

This Isn’t 1945

So why are we still seeing:

• Mass killings?

• Starvation used as a weapon of war?

• Blockades on life itself?

I’m exhausted. I’ve cried until I couldn’t anymore.
But even then, I can’t begin to imagine what they’re going through.

They are the ones living the nightmare.
They are the ones crying for help.
And in the end—many are silenced.
Some by fear. Others forever.

---

75 Years of Injustice

75 years.
An endless cycle.
Nothing has changed. In fact—it’s only gotten worse.

Meanwhile, the other side watches like it’s some kind of twisted version of The Hunger Games. Enjoying the power. The privileges. The support. Celebrating others’ suffering in the name of "self-defense."

They keep repeating the same words:
"Hamas." "Hostages." "Terrorists."

But let’s be honest: they don’t care. Not about truth. Not about peace.

So I start to wonder:
What gives Israel such confidence in their actions?
Why is there no guilt? No shame? No humanity?

---

Faith, or Justification for Cruelty?

I’ve seen how they mock Palestinian suffering. How they dehumanize them. Call them animals. Destroy homes. Kill for sport.

Why?
What belief allows this?

Then I turn inward.

What makes me so certain in supporting Palestine?
What roots my belief?

I realize—it’s belief too.
But not belief in superiority.
Belief in justice. In mercy. In compassion.

Their belief tells them the land is promised. That they are the “chosen people.” That their actions are part of a divine plan.

But I ask:
What kind of “chosen people” kill the innocent?
What kind of divine promise involves bloodshed and cruelty?

Our Prophets—Musa (Moses), Isa (Jesus), and Muhammad (peace be upon them)—were also chosen by God.

But they didn’t mock pain.
They didn’t massacre families.
They didn’t turn compassion into conquest.

They stood against oppression.
They taught mercy.
They reminded us to see humanity even in our enemies.

No Prophet mocked suffering.
No Prophet ignored injustice.
And no truly chosen people would do the opposite of God’s mercy.

So again I ask:
What kind of faith allows this?

---

The Word Is: Evil

• Evil is intentional harm.

• Evil is knowing you’re hurting others—and doing it anyway.

• Evil is cruelty without guilt.

But sometimes, what’s even more evil are the bystanders.

The ones who close their eyes.
The ones who stay silent.
The ones who justify it—after seeing children buried under rubble, elders crying out, entire families wiped out.

And still, they say:
"They deserved it."

Because they defended their home?
Because they wanted freedom?
Because they refused to vanish?

What kind of logic is that?
What kind of human thinks like that?

---

When Humans Become More Terrifying Than the Devil

In 2024 and 2025, I feel blessed to see more people waking up. Social media became a powerful tool for truth. People began to see behind the curtain. Israel's actions exposed their true colors.

And yet—some still refuse to acknowledge it.

It made me realize:
Some humans are more terrifying than the devil himself.

They live in their own world. Ruling with power, manipulating truth, playing God.

You see, Shaytan was cast out for refusing to bow to Adam. His mission is to mislead. To whisper.

But even Shaytan never spilled innocent blood.

We did.

For years, we’ve killed.
We’ve destroyed.
We’ve broken what we were meant to protect—each other, this earth, the sacredness of life.

And for what?
Power? Land? Pride?

We were created with hearts, with mercy, with minds.
But when we abandon those—we become worse than what we were warned against.

---

This Is Bigger Than Palestine

This isn’t just about Palestine.
It’s about who we are becoming when we let this happen.

When we watch.
When we stay silent.
When we justify the unjustifiable.

Evil isn’t only the one who pulls the trigger.
Evil is also the one who looks away.

Life is a temporary vacation.
But the afterlife is permanent.

One day, we’ll be held accountable—for what we chose to see, and what we chose to ignore.

Post-Vacation Blues (Again)

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything here. I’m doing okay, more or less.

I actually wanted to write because my mind is buzzing with so many thoughts lately. But before I started, I went back and reread my last post—and it made me laugh a little. Why? Because I’m dealing with the exact same thing, all over again.

Same thoughts.
Same feeling.
Same confusion.

I just got back from a short vacation in Sabah with my family. Four days, three nights. The trip was… nice, I guess? But to be honest, I’m not even sure how I really feel about it. Did I enjoy it? Was it peaceful? Did I have fun? I genuinely don’t know.

What I do know is that I didn’t come back feeling refreshed. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Since coming back, I’ve felt demotivated and strangely empty. My mind keeps reminding me of all the things I should be doing, but my body refuses to cooperate. I can barely stay on my feet for five minutes before I end up lying down again—either gaming or scrolling endlessly on my phone while my to-do list plays on repeat in my head.

I pray to Allah, asking for His strength.
I beg Him: Please don’t let me fall so far that this feeling consumes me.

"Hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakil."
(Cukuplah Allah bagi kami, dan Dia sebaik-baik tempat berserah.)
(Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best disposer of affairs.)

I cried while reading that verse. Not loudly, not desperately—but quietly, just to confide in Him. Just to let it out. A silent hope that I will get better.

It’s frustrating. I don’t understand myself.
Am I the problem? Or is it something deeper—hormonal, emotional, mental?

Whatever it is, it’s heavy. And it’s dragging down my productivity in ways I hate.
But right now, this is where I’m at—and I guess that’s all I can really say.

I hope that I’m getting better at handling this emotion, and handling myself.

Just One of Those Weeks

How was your Raya? I hope everything went well on your side.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my rhythm at work. There are so many pending emails waiting for replies, I haven’t touched my booking summary in ages, and my to-do list just keeps growing. Deep down, I know what needs to be done — but for some reason, I keep delaying everything. I’ve been procrastinating a lot, and honestly, I don’t know why.

It’s frustrating. I want to be productive. I want to get things done. But somehow, I end up doing nothing, and the pile just gets bigger. It’s this strange mix of being mentally overloaded and stuck at the same time.

Then I started noticing something deeper: this isn’t just about being tired or lazy. It tends to happen when I’m faced with something unfamiliar — a new system, a different kind of enquiry, or a problem I don’t feel confident handling. I try to figure it out, but when it feels too overwhelming, I push it aside. At first, it’s just postponing. But soon, I’m avoiding it completely.

Once that starts, it snowballs. I end up focusing on smaller, easier tasks — anything to avoid the real thing I should be doing. I know I’m not fooling anyone, especially not myself. It lingers in my mind constantly, weighing me down with guilt and restlessness until I finally face it.

It’s not a good cycle to be in. And even though I can see it happening, it still feels hard to break.

The strange thing is, once I actually start the task, it usually isn’t as hard as I feared. The real struggle isn’t the work itself — it’s the mental loop I fall into. Overthinking. Perfectionism. The fear of doing it wrong. And maybe that’s what’s been weighing me down all along: not the workload, but the pressure I put on myself to handle everything perfectly.

I think this has also been affecting my daily habits. Almost every night, I find myself still awake at 4 or 5AM. I used to fall asleep easily in the evening, but now I stay up the whole night without even needing a nap. It feels unnatural — like I’m running on a completely off-track internal clock. Part of me worries that this pattern will catch up with me one day. The thought of it is scary. And yet, here I am… still wide awake.

This post isn’t about having the answers — it’s just me being honest about the messiness of trying to get back on track.

Not Ready, but Willing to Trust

I think I need to admit something to myself.

The reason I keep holding back from marriage—even though deep down, I do want it—is because I don’t feel mentally ready to build a family of my own.

I overthink a lot. I care too much, sometimes without realizing it. And maybe, in my own way, that’s how I protect myself. Over time, I think I’ve built this invisible wall around me. I’ve told myself it's for safety, but maybe it’s also been holding me back from something I actually long for.

People have told me that you never really know when you're ready. Not everyone enters marriage feeling fully prepared. Some people just go forward despite their fears, their imperfections, and their worries. And they still make it through.

I believe that’s because Allah gives them strength. He opens that path for them because He knows they can grow through it—even if they don’t feel strong enough at the start.

And maybe… when the time is right, He’ll do the same for me.

For now, I’m learning to be patient—with myself, with the process, and with the quiet wisdom of His timing.

Doa untuk ketenangan hati dan petunjuk dalam urusan jodoh:

“Ya Allah, jika hatiku belum benar-benar bersedia, tenangkanlah jiwaku dengan kasih-Mu. Bukakan jalanku dengan rahmat-Mu. Dan apabila tiba waktunya, berilah aku kekuatan untuk menerima cinta yang Engkau redai, dan membinanya dengan sabar, dengan iman, dan dengan penuh harapan kepada-Mu. Amin.”

Learning a New System and Battling Self-Doubt: Can I Handle the Pressure?

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I last posted, especially since I shared about my scammer boyfriend. Yes, I’ve confirmed that he is indeed a scammer. I looked up his profile picture, and the original owner is Filipino. It seems his picture has been used without his consent on many dating sites.

Anyway, enough about that.

By the way, I’m currently learning a new system at work. I’m kind of unhappy with my progress because I had to switch from a simple workload to many different tasks, and it’s really overwhelming. To be honest, I’m a slow learner—I need to fully understand something before moving on to the next step. As for this new system, there’s a lot I need to learn, especially since it’s an account system. It’s separate, but somehow related to other systems. I believe with a little practice, I can handle it, but at the same time, I’m scared.

I’m scared because this system will link to the government system. Once it’s sent out to suppliers or purchasers, it will be captured by the government, and I can’t afford to make many mistakes or void transactions because it could damage our company’s reputation. I’m stressed about this because I know how clumsy I can be, and I worry that mistakes are more likely to happen. Because of this, my feelings toward this new system are mixed. On one hand, I’m excited to gain new skills, but on the other hand, I’m worried about messing things up.

I’m stuck with this. What should I do?

Part of me wants to push through and prove I can handle it, but the other part is screaming, “What if I fail?” Maybe some of you have been in a similar spot—learning something high-stakes while battling self-doubt. How do you cope?

I know mistakes are part of growth, but the pressure feels heavier when the consequences ripple beyond just me. Maybe I need to:

• To do more training and asking my supervisor until it clicks.
• Break the system down into smaller, manageable parts instead of drowning in the “big picture.”
• Remind myself that everyone starts somewhere, even if my “somewhere” feels wobbly.

Or maybe I just need to vent, haha! If anyone’s navigated something like this, I’d love advice. Or if you’ve ever felt like a slow learner in a fast-paced world, tell me I’m not alone!